Something I always think “what if” about
When am I not thinking “what if” is the better question. It is a personality flaw of mine. Sometimes it comes in handy. I am usually overly prepared for absolutely every situation. I have chapstick in every single one of my bags- 2 purses, one shoulder tote and a back pack. I have 6 different bottles I carry my medication in. I am almost always early (by at least 5 minutes) and I cannot stand being late. It makes me feel guilty and itchy and frustrated. I am my father’s daughter in many ways. He is a financial analyst. He is paid to analyze. I do the same thing, except for instead of analyzing financial trends and numbers I analyze life. When I was younger I used to have super realistic dreams that would be repeats of important events- only with small things done differently. But my train of thought usually follows this pattern. Something happens that indicates there could be a problem. I think of all possible situations, and usually settle on the least favorable. What if that happens? Case in point:
I keep very good track of my internship hours on an index card taped to my desk at school. I need 112 hours to get my four credits I petitioned for. That averages out to 8 hours per week for 14 weeks. When I come home from my internship I write the hours down and count how many I have. Because I already went down the road of “what if”. What if I don’t get all my hours done? Well then I would be short on credits. And if I’m short on credits then I might not be able to walk at graduation. And if I don’t walk at graduation then I would be missing out on this major event and I would be so disappointed in myself and my family would be disappointed too. (Which by the way is totally ridiculous that I thought like that, because you can walk at graduation with 8 outstanding credits).
I want everyone to be happy, including myself. And I need to get a grip on that in letting go of all the possibilities. There is not one right solution in life’s hiccups. It’s not a test, it’s certainly not a math problem (thank you Lord!).