Right now I feel like a jellyfish.
Last year was a year full of big changes. I graduated college, moved home, found a job, found a new job & moved to Maryland. My parents moved to Boston. I got engaged.
This year I feel like I am continuing what I thought would be the few months post-grad floating around.
I have worked seven jobs in three states over the last twelve months. I have painted exactly twice since May. I have taken exactly zero film photographs. My beautiful 5D m2 is collecting dust.
I have been floating along trying to just get somewhere.
One of the biggest influences on my faith, on my thoughts and aspirations as a Christian, died this year from a heart attack. A professor died from Gordon just a few short weeks later from another heart attack. I have had two friends whose dad’s have been in the ICU for failing hearts. Why are hearts so fragile? Why is life so delicate?
I haven’t been back to the rez for almost three years. My heart aches because of that.
Whoever warned me that my twenties would be tough was certainly right. It is tough finding your way in this fast paced and broken world. It isn’t all lost, and it isn’t all ugly.
For so long I have been so scared of messing up. I’ve been afraid of falling behind, and not having something good to do. My job isn’t impressive, and I’m not using my degree. But I am working with good people and I work a consistent and steady job. I somehow managed to find a handful of friends in this new place, and I am working hard on preparing myself for marriage. I was asked to participate in a faculty and alumni exhibit at Gordon this summer.
Isn’t carrying on a raw and admirable thing?
I think life is delicate because the cracks and broken parts that heal over are beautiful. So I guess it’s okay that I am a fragile jellyfish floating along trying to keep moving. Jellyfish are still powerful.