spiritual spark

It’s what we called the time after getting back from a missions trip or a great retreat during youth group – a spiritual spark. It didn’t always last. I longed to hold on to that feeling – that intenseness, closeness, and temporary feeling. 
I’ve been reflecting on some of those moments. I am so thankful for them. I am thankful that the spiritual sparks didn’t last either. I love God. I continue to strengthen and deepen my relationship with him. But I also don’t rely on feelings to maintain that relationship. 
I was prayed for by a team that I connected so closely with the last summer I was on the rez. I felt so filled with peace and God’s love. I am thankful for that. 
I am thankful for the time and effort and prayer that was put in to developing my spiritual gifts by an amazing mentor in high school, and the incredible ways I felt put to use and purposeful after returning from retreats and worship nights.
I think I am especially grateful for those spiritual lulls. The moments of absolute darkness, where I was in the trenches trying to figure out what the heck I was doing, why I was placed in a situation, and how the hell I would ever piece myself back together. I remember one night sitting on my kitchen floor alone. I was inconsolable. I tried calling everyone in my family to come back home. My dogs whined because they knew my heart was so troubled. I felt completely defeated and torn apart. And I met God there too, underneath my kitchen sink.
In the midst of an argument with Travis. While reading a rejection email for a job I really wanted and felt that God wanted for me too. Completely sleep deprived and emotionally worn out. 
I am thankful for spiritual sparks. They drive you forward, but I can’t hold too closely to striving to always FEEL a certain way. Thanks, God, for developing me and meeting me in lowly and mundane places. 

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