matters of the (open) heart

So, this is my third week of not working. My last day at my job was April 25th. I trained my replacement for a few weeks, and with Travis’ interview process, I knew I would need to be ready to go quickly. And now it is dragging on a little, and I am starting to get restless. I have a few art commissions to keep me occupied, and keep me closer to a state of sanity. I like to plan. I really like to make lists. And I really really like to cross things off those lists.

I’m fairly certain that this is a lesson in patience, which is something I pray for often, but often don’t want to actually practice. My prayers usually sound a little like “Hey God, help me be patient… maybe you can distract me with something else”. I need to approach this with eyes, ears, and most importantly, heart wide open. We have invested a great amount into interviewing for a position in the south. Imagining a life down there, researching rent and jobs for me to apply for, and most importantly trying to convince that team that we would be a good fit despite being from “up north”. I prayed so hard for this to be the job because I just felt like I needed it. Me, how selfish. And now there is another opportunity on the table in our top choice state, and here I am praying feverishly… Hey God, never mind what I said before. Let THIS be the one, so just have this other guy tell us it’s not a good fit. 

And it’s a little embarrassing to admit that I pray like that. It’s not all the time, but it does happen more than I would like to admit. I don’t want to fully open my heart up to what is next because it might not be what I envisioned.

And to be honest, there is always the added dramatic element of friends and family not supporting you in the way you would like. Because guess what, they want you to live in a place that is convenient to visit. Or in a place that appears to be a better fit on the surface. It becomes difficult to talk about, but there are a few that support us regardless of the end result. They believe just like Travis and I do that there is a home waiting for us somewhere. It doesn’t make it any less hurtful when friends or family tell us they won’t visit us in one place or on the other hand, have already planned out a vacation based around potential. It is isolating to hear that, because we want to be loved and visited. We also want to stay objective and not become heartbroken if a scenario does not play out as anticipated. And honestly, I have had to say, “Please stop. Please pray for us. Please support us. Please don’t project on us.” That is an uncomfortable conversation to have, but it is what we need. Pray with us that we would be open, that we would be willing, and that we would be awarded clarity in our decision making.

One thought on “matters of the (open) heart

  1. Nicely put. I love my lists too! I fear I would get absolutely nothing done if I didn’t make lists, And remember, wherever God puts you for the next move isn’t necessarily forever. Keep the faith. You’re doing fine.

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